10 Ways to Your Child’s Heart

Dr. Paula Fellingham

All parents want their children to feel loved. However, finding ways to do that is both a challenge and an adventure. Although we readily acknowledge the importance of expressing our love, how to communicate it in ways that our children truly feel nurtured and appreciated takes forethought and daily effort.
Connecting deeply with your children:
• prevents a myriad of problems
• helps them obey because they want to reciprocate your love
• provides a solid foundation for good self-esteem
• allows children to more easily love others
Here are 10 ways to send love straight to your children’s hearts.
1. Express Your Love
Look into your children’s eyes and say, “I love you.” Often. Say the words in a way that expresses your love sincerely. They’ll feel that love if your actions match your words.
Children need to know that your love for them doesn’t depend on whether they win the game, get good grades, or even if they obey the rules. We need to make it very clear that there is nothing our children must do to “earn” our love. Nor is there anything they can ever do that will destroy our love for them. This doesn’t mean that we aren’t grieved when unwise choices are made; they need to obey and constantly strive to be the best they can be. But it does mean that we, as their parents, will love them no matter what.
Our children’s confidence, security, and good feelings of self-worth are intrinsically dependent upon a firm knowledge that they are deeply loved simply because they are our sons and daughters; they are important parts of the family.
2. Touch Your Kids! Research shows that touch is a powerful communicator that can actually improve well-being. Kiss; hug; hold hands; pat; tousle hair…your children love it! And even when children become teenagers they need the magic connection that appropriate touching provides, so never stop holding them and showing through your actions, as well as your words, that they’re well-loved.
3. Have Many Traditions Healthy relationships are built on time spent together. Family traditions create opportunities for you to be with your children and share your lives in special ways that are unique to your family. Usually, the more we share our lives the deeper our love grows for one another. “Rituals give reassurance through repetition,” writes Susan Abel Lieberman, author of New Traditions.
Traditions can be as simple as declaring a “Be-Kind-To-(name)-Week” when family members do something nice for the special person every day that week. Or, on birthdays take turns telling the birthday person one reason why you love or appreciate him or her. Or, if both parents work, leave a little treat and an envelope for each child with instructions on what to do during the afternoon.
4. Create One-on-One Time Nothing is more magical to a child than spending special “alone” times with his parents. Be sure that in the hustle and bustle of family life you carve out one-on-one time with each child, every week. This could be a mom-and-daughter “date” or a 30 minute special time after the other children go to bed. No matter what, be sure and make the time to have regular, private talks with each child. During these priceless moments you’ll bond with your children in ways you can’t duplicate with any other strategy.
5. Share Their Interests Nothing says “I love you” quite like showing your child that what he believes is important is indeed important to you, too. When they’re young, this translates into watching them build their block castles, or helping them paint interesting pictures. As they grow, they need you there when they’re performing in dance recitals, working on big school projects, competing as athletes, or working on boy scout merit badges. Even if you’re not actively involved, children know if you support them and if you truly care.
“Steer children to their strengths and guide their interests – even when you don’t share those interests,” says Vivian Katzenstein-Friedman, Ph.D., a child and adolescent psychologist at the University of Alabama.
How well I agree! My sons, Danny and David, are excellent swimmers. I don’t like to swim, but I’ve been to about a million swim meets!
6. Expect Their Respect Your children will respect you in direct proportion to the respect you give them, because they learn best through your example. So be the kind of parent your children can respect by showing kindness and by speaking to them with a kind tone of voice. Also, use polite words, and require your children to speak politely. Letitia Baldrige, author of More Than Manners: Raising Today’s Kids to Have Kind Manners and Good Hearts, says, “Using polite words is a subtle but enduring demonstration of love. Kind words such as ‘please’ and ‘excuse me’ confer respect – one of the most important gifts a parent can bestow.”
7. Discipline With Love The root of the word discipline is “disciple,” meaning “a follower.” We want our children to follow us and obey us – because they love us! We want them to make correct choices because it’s the right thing to do, not from fear of punishment. How do we do that?
Make each disciplining effort a learning experience. When the time is right (and you’ll know when that is – not in the heat of the moment) ask your child, “Honey, what did you learn from this?” and talk about it calmly. If, when you discipline, your child hasn’t learned anything, you have failed in that particular attempt. For discipline to be effective, children should behave better the next time. So read articles and books on how to discipline well – don’t always rely on your parent’s example. Put thought into your methods; create a plan with your spouse; and then discipline with kindness, firmness and consistency.
8. Spend Time Together Years ago I heard some good advice for parents: “Be there at the crossroads of your children’s lives.” This means that as often as possible we need to be there when our children come home from school. We need to be there when our children hit their first home run, graduate from school, and when our teenagers need to talk (usually late at night).
Time is precious. Time is what lives are made of. We need to be so committed to our children that we are willing to give them our time. Children don’t thrive on “leftover time” as well as on “prime time.” Even when it’s inconvenient, we should be there for our children whenever possible. I’m not saying that we should give to our children at the expense of our own identities. There can be a balance, and we usually know when we’re giving too little or too much.
9. Eat Dinner Together
Meals eaten together, as a family, create priceless benefits. In extensive studies, Blake Bowden, Ph.D., a psychologist at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, has found that the best-adjusted adolescents – those least likely to be on drugs or depressed, and most motivated to excel in school and have a large social circle – ate with their parents at least five days a week. The worst-adjusted teens ate with their parents three times a week or less.
“Family routines such as mealtimes provide a sense of predictability, safety and security for all members of the family,” Dr. Bowden reports. If seven dinners a week aren’t practical, decide which days are, and let nothing interfere. Fast food or take-out is fine – sharing food around a table is what matters most. However, turn off the television and spend the meal talking with one another, sharing the events of the day.
10. Do the Unpredictable Be a fun parent! Our years of parenting need not be totally tedious and stressful, they should be filled with fun and joy-filled experiences with our children. One way to make that happen is to plan happy times together and do the unpredictable. For example, occasionally pick your children up from school and take them on picnics or to the ice cream store – for no reason other than to celebrate life. On Halloween, dress in costume and join in their fun. Throw un-birthday parties, run and laugh with them, dance and sing spontaneously, be an example of a joyful heart.
Your children will not only follow your example, they’ll enjoy life better and love you more.

For more articles by Dr. Paula, visit www.CheerfulNoise.com